Grief Notes: Walking through loss, the first year after bereavement

Digital eBook Only - In Grief Notes Tony Horsfall charts the first year of his grief journey since the death of his wife from cancer. Month by month he tells the unfolding story of walking with and through loss, weaving this together with biblical teaching on grief and insights gained from grief counselling. With a poignant mix of honesty and humour, Tony shares the challenges of rebuilding his life and reflects on how he has seen God meet his needs as he wrestled with grieving in a time of lockdown and pandemic.

Praise for Resilience in Life and Faith: 'This book will have a ministry-wide impact.' Dr Laura Mae Gardner, former International Vice President for Personnel for Wycliffe Bible Translators and SIL International

I highly recommend Tony Horsfall's new book, 'Grief notes: Walking through loss'. We are all likely to experience loss and to be in contact with people who are grieving. Grief can be very isolating. This book can help us feel less isolated as Tony shares his journey with us." Dr Debbie Hawker

Transforming Ministry Winter 2022. Review by Sue Piper

The author takes us through a very honest and detailed account of his first year of bereavement after the death of his wife, using diary entries, some brief, some more lengthy but always from the heart; and although he quotes from other authors about grief (including C S Lewis) his observations are very personal. Because of this, the giving of this book as a gift needs careful judgement. Horsfall observes not only that he has moved through various stages of grief, but that unexpected setbacks can occur as other losses are remembered, and other memories reawakened. A real strength of this book is that it could be used as a handbook for pastoral care and also given to team members of a pastoral group in training. With this in mind, the last page lists many organisations who are committed to offering support to the newly bereaved. This book is a hard read for anyone newly bereaved, but it is invaluable when read with respect and care for the reader. The author shows his trust in God in all that he has written, and his faith has sustained him in the darkest times.

Review by Sue Piper 

Church Times 15.07.22. Review by Pat Ashworth

A paradox confronts those writing about grieving, because, if there’s one thing everyone in that situation accepts, it is that grieving is different for everyone, and no one can tell you how to do it. The way we grieve is ‘as unique as our fingerprints’, Tony Horsfall points out in this memoir of the first year after bereavement, drawn from his diary notes.

His grief after losing his wife of 47 years was intensified by the lockdown and consequent loss of the support systems that would normally have come into play. Survival was harder. Eating alone was worse. Almost all that he writes about will be recognisable to those who have lost a spouse, not least the unpredictability of how you will feel at any one time.

In a sense, there is nothing new here. The book doesn’t attempt deep philosophy around death and loss; nor is it a manual on how to cope day by day. But he articulates feelings that resonate, like this one: ‘It often feels like I live in two worlds at the same time. The one universe is full of kind compassionate friends doing their best to comfort and reassure me… But then there’s the space within my head, a parallel universe, to which I must return.’ 

He finds comfort in his daily devotions; he finds resources that help, and he concludes that grief can provide a ‘doorway to growth’, in which ‘hopefully we become deeper people, freed from the shallowness associated with a comfortable life.’

 Reviewed by Pat Ashworth

Review by Ruth McAllen https://www.teardropgrief.co.uk

In Grief Notes you get to sit in the passenger seat as author Tony Horsfall takes you on a bumpy ride through his first year of bereavement. The reader would wisely secure their seat belt whilst Tony navigates his rocky road of grief. Losing his wife, Evelyn, to cancer in the midst of a pandemic, being imprisoned by lockdown and staring his own mortality in the face left Tony grappling with learning to live again. Nevertheless, he takes up a vulnerable stance, as month-by-month he catalogues his journey, allowing you to step into his world. The reader gets the full experience, the days of overwhelming angst coupled with pin prick moments of hope as little by little Tony manoeuvres through the tough grind of grief.

I love how Tony carefully weaves together his personal story with a treasure trove of biblical insights and much wise counsel. You will certainly find yourself captivated by the welcome blend of crisp transparency and warm-hearted humour. I found myself crying as Tony shared his acute sense of loneliness, and laughing as he revealed he could not boil an egg. His experiences are all easily relatable. Despite having much he could not understand, Tony is resolute in holding tightly to his Christian faith and the God he knows as faithful.

I appreciated Tony’s encouraging style as he moves into days of fresh hope, sharing how ‘new hopes can emerge’ from the depths of grief. ‘I was like a tree cut down, and hope was gone,’ he writes, ‘and yet, by God’s grace, I am coming back to life’.

Tony’s book has left me richer and I applaud him for sharing his story with such honesty, vulnerability and warm humour. To those who mourn, and those supporting the bereaved, this is a valuable read, full of gold nuggets found in dark places. I highly recommend it.

Review by Ruth McAllen https://www.teardropgrief.co.uk/

Together magazine July/August 2022

Reviewed by Fiona Lloyd in her Books for Everyday Life section

This is a book born out of a difficult life situation. Horsfall shares his journey through the first year of bereavement following the death of his wife, Evelyn, in July 2020. The book is mostly in diary form, which feels like a helpful format for charting the course of grief, as many of us who have experienced the death of a loved one will be able to identify with the sense of marking off significant dates in a new way.

I appreciated the way Horsfall was willing to be very honest about his emotions and things he found particularly tricky (such as signing a grandchild’s birthday card with one name instead of two). This was in some ways hard to read, and yet there is a thread of hope running through the book that reminds us that, for the Christian believer, death is not the end.

Horsfall also takes time to share his thoughts and insights, including Bible passages that have proved comforting for him. This is done sensitively and there are no pat answers, but to my mind this makes the writing more authentic. There is also a useful list of further reading at the end of the book. I would recommend this to anyone who is struggling with grief themselves, but also as a valuable resource for those involved in pastoral care.

Reviewed by Paul Beasley-Murray Books for today

Grief Notes: Walking through loss by Tony Horsfall, charts the first year of the author’s grief journey since the death of his wife from cancer. It is made up of notes he kept and postings he made online during the time, to which he subsequently added insights gained along the way from scripture as also from books on grief. It is a deeply moving story. Although no one’s grief is the same, nonetheless it will undoubtedly be of great help to many. If I were still a local church pastor, I would buy ten copies to give to those seeking to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. Full of common sense, it is also full of Christian faith!

Reviewed by Richard Frost  workrestpray.com

Everyone’s journey through grief is unique. My own started when I was 17 when my Mum died. And then it took its next step just a few weeks ago when the husband of my closest friend died very suddenly. Thus it was as I read Tony Horsfall’s account of the loss of his wife of 40 years, that memories of my own losses came back. The same may well be true for you as you read this excellent and insightful book.

Evelyn Horsfall, or Ev as he calls her, died in July 2020 after a long period of cancer. Structured around notes and online postings written by Tony, this book describes the many aspects of the impact of her loss and the adjustments he has made to living alone again.

The book covers the first year of bereavement and is divided in to monthly sections. Each of these begins and ends with reflections on relevant biblical passages and insights by both the author and others on the nature of grief and the stages of bereavement. Inbetween these are extracts from those notes the author kept.

It is these notes which are, for this reviewer, the most profound. A tough read at times (as they ought to be, perhaps) they are honest and raw. They tell the story of the walk through loss. While at times they read as if they were being specifically written for publication, the overwhelming nature of them is one that reflects the author’s view and experience.

In these pages, Tony Horsfall describes not only the pain of loss but also issues such as loneliness (a recurrent theme), subsequent friendships, being part of a group of people who were bereaved and the practicalities of cooking and car buying.

‘I don’t write to elicit sympathy. I write to express my feelings,’ he writes. And he does and that is clearly also cathartic for him. It will, I feel, be cathartic for those who read this book too.

Richard Frost is the author of Life with St Benedict and writes a blog at workrestpray.com